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Review: “Evan Almighty”
By kyle | June 22, 2007
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EVAN ALMIGHTY review by Kyle Smith
Warning: contains blasphemy
Running time: 90 minutes
Rated PG (mild crude humor)
Opens June 22
And God looked out onto the teeming plains and the fertile valleys, and he saw that, lo, there were many suckers who dwelt upon the land who did lust to spend their shekels upon bird-poop jokes and thus commanded He into creation “Evan Almighty.â€Â
And Steve Carell replaceth he Jim Carrey, and God saw that it was right and good, for Jim Carrey quoteth he 20 million against 20 percent of the gross and Steve Carell’s agent had not yet been fruitful enough to multiply his salary demands.
And though Steve Carell had been a scourge upon the Buffalo weather station where he did till the electronic fields with Carrey, God thought it would be funny if Carell were suddenly an environmentally challenged Congressman driving a massive Hummer, and He made it so.
And God gave himself second billing, and re-hired Morgan Freeman to play Him as a guy who starts shipping mallets and planks to Evan, and commandeth He him to build a great Ark.
And Evan was beset by all the birds of the air and the beasts of the land and admired by the fishes of the aquarium. And Evan’s beard and hair did grow long, and multitudinous were the jokes about 70s rockers such as Loggins and Messina and the Bee Gees and John Lennon. And the rocker jokes begat jokes about animals committing poop on humanity. And the poop jokes begat jokes about Evan hitting his thumb with a mallet. And the thumb jokes begat jokes about Evan’s crotch being head-butted by all the beasts of the field. And all these pratfalls begat a little dance Evan did performeth whensoever He was desperate for a laugh.
Also He was bounteous with the rhymes and the puns, because, lo, He thought He could deliver humor onto our hearts with a TV news graphic about the crazy Congressman that reads “Evan Can Wait†(even though actually he cannot wait, for the deluge is to come on the 22nd day of the ninth month) and a newcaster who says, “With all these species, what’s being done about the feces?†And He should have replied back, “Do not tempt me, for I can form them into the shape of another sequel and it would gross 200 mil, easy.”
And God mindeth not that there was not so much motive for all the ark building and flooding, because He is an Old Testament God Who was well known for being a crazy son of a bitch Who got tanked and put Job through the frat hazing from hell just because He thought it was good for a laugh or because all of the other Gods He hangs out with at His country club in Heaven dared him to or else the whole thing just defieth human understanding, like the career of Ed Burns.
Except that when He finally revealeth why He did choose Evan to be the new Noah, He didst commit a sin, yea verily a mortal sin, of dullness: He caused the flood because He wanted to stop a Congressional land-use bill, which in verity he probably could have found some easier way to do than by flooding about ten billion dollars worth of suburb and probably killing everybody in the 703 area code. But then again He either came up with the tsunamis and the hurricanes and the earthquakes or did nothing to stop them, so either way He is not such a Morgan Freeman good guy at all but rather more of a Travis Bickle psycho, not that I would tell Him how to make his casting choices for I am but a lowly scribe and hence a blight upon the fair land.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:31 am
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