About Me

Kyle Smith (Twitter: @rkylesmith) is critic-at-large for National Review, theater critic for The New Criterion and the author of the novels Love Monkey and A Christmas Caroline. Type a title in the box above to locate a review.

Buy Love Monkey for $4! "Hilarious"--Maslin, NY Times. "Exceedingly readable and wickedly funny romantic comedy"--S.F. Chronicle. "Loud and brash, a helluva lot of fun"--Entertainment Weekly. "Engaging romp, laugh-out-loud funny"-CNN. "Shrewd, self-deprecating, oh-so-witty. Smith's ruthless humor knows no bounds"--NPR

Buy A Christmas Caroline for $10! "for those who prefer their sentimentality seasoned with a dash of cynical wit. A quick, enjoyable read...straight out of Devil Wears Prada"--The Wall Street Journal

Rotten Tomatoes
Search Movie/Celeb

Advanced Search
  • Recent Comments

  • Categories

  • « | Home | »

    Finally: the “Sex and the City” Movie!

    By Kyle | July 6, 2007


    Exclusive! Hush-hush script pages from the upcoming “Sex and the City” movie (advance publicity still above) have come across my desk.


    The girls enjoying yet another meal.

                                               Why can’t four whiny, shallow,

                                              snobby, materialistic gals who only

                                              enjoy talking to gay men find a rich

                                              guy who’s willing to spend all day

                                             listening to us bitch while buying us

                                              the latest Manolo Blahniks?

                                              Why does everything

                                              have to be so hard in this

                                              godawful town?


                                               Because it’s Boca Raton.

                                               The men are all dead.



                                               OK by me. I’m into chicks.


    No! (Giggles)


    What? You didn’t guess?



    Charlotte hasn’t heard Rosie

    O’Donnell is gay.



    I mean, how does that work?

    Do you have to,

    like, wear pants all the time?

    And Doc Martens

    and tool belts?



     Oh, yum. The working

    man look! So hot!



    Um, Samantha?


    (Eyes closed, licking her lips)




    Sweetie, you know you shouldn’t drool

    on your wheelchair. It makes the parts rust.


    I could never be a lesbian. I want a nice

    white wedding where I feel like a princess!

    With lace and crystal and calla lillies and…



    Haven’t you had about four of those already?



    Muhhh ruhhh muhh muhhh….


    Samantha, you know we can’t understand

    you when you take your teeth out.



    Waiter! Four more of these prune

    juice Cosmos!



    But….(giggles) it’s so early!


    What are you talking about?

    It’s dinner time! 3 pm!


    Listen, you don’t think we’re turning into

    (whispers) Old Maids, do you?



    Shut up and hand me my

    needlepoint sampler.



    Oh, please.  Look what’s happened

    to you bitches. Miranda, put down that

    circle-a-word puzzle book. Charlotte,

    I swear to God, this is the last time I

    ever want to see you in public wearing a

    muu-muu with your hair in curlers.

    At least ONE of us has a date tonight.


    Spill it, slut.


    His name is Jack.


    Perfect! One of my sixteen cats is

    named Jack! He’s a calico. Sometimes

    I call him Mr. Whiskers.


    So what does he do, what’s his

    net worth?


     He’s a doctor. Private practice. VERY well off,

     if you know what I mean.


    Mmmm, a doctor. So sexy. 

    And great to have around the

    next time I bust a hip!


    Also, just entre nous….he’s kind

    of a bad boy. In fact, can I pass

    on a tiny little secret? He just

    got out of prison!

    CARRIE, MIRANDA and CHARLOTTE look at each other nervously.


    Not Dr. Jack Kevorkian?


    Oh…so….did, you, like, date him too?

    This could be awkward.


    Topics: Comedy, Movies, TV | 2 Comments »

    2 Responses to “Finally: the “Sex and the City” Movie!”

    1. Sets, Sects and Secs (of State) and the City: Is Anyone Not in New York? | Says:
      September 25th, 2007 at 7:33 pm

      […] Yesterday was celebrity overload in New York; we looked out the window of our midtown headquarters and saw two sharpshooters with assault rifles and scopes who looked like they had just stepped away from “The Bourne Ultimatum.” Turned out they were there to protect Condoleezza Rice, who was appearing on Fox News, I guess. Meanwhile, the Persian Prat Ahmadinejad was up at Columbia, and you couldn’t swing an Hermes bag in midtown without hitting the cast of “Sex and the City: the Movie.” When I walked by around 6 pm last night they (Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon–who is about a foot taller than Parker–and Kristin Davis, but not Kim Cattrall) were setting up a walking-and-talking shot outside the auction house Christie’s at 20 Rockefeller Plaza. “Sex and the City” junkies note: if you hang out around 6th Avenue in the high 40s tomorrow, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were there again since they seemed to be doing a lot of shots. Which all reminds me of the advance pages from the script of “Sex and the City: The Movie,” which were leaked to me exclusively over the summer.  […]

    2. “Sex and the City” Movie: the Hype Begins | Says:
      January 29th, 2008 at 1:23 pm

      […] seasons were hilarious–I am now officially as sick of it as I am of the Clintons. Last year I exclusively posted several pages of the tightly-guarded […]