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Kyle Smith (Twitter: @rkylesmith) is a film critic for The New York Post and the author of the novels Love Monkey and A Christmas Caroline. Type a title in the box above to locate a review.

Buy Love Monkey for $4! "Hilarious"--Maslin, NY Times. "Exceedingly readable and wickedly funny romantic comedy"--S.F. Chronicle. "Loud and brash, a helluva lot of fun"--Entertainment Weekly. "Engaging romp, laugh-out-loud funny"-CNN. "Shrewd, self-deprecating, oh-so-witty. Smith's ruthless humor knows no bounds"--NPR

Buy A Christmas Caroline for $10! "for those who prefer their sentimentality seasoned with a dash of cynical wit. A quick, enjoyable read...straight out of Devil Wears Prada"--The Wall Street Journal

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    Finally: the “Sex and the City” Movie!

    By Kyle | July 6, 2007

    goldengirls.jpg

    Exclusive! Hush-hush script pages from the upcoming “Sex and the City” movie (advance publicity still above) have come across my desk.

    INT. RESTAURANT-DAY.

    The girls enjoying yet another meal.

                                                                     CARRIE
                                               Why can’t four whiny, shallow,

                                              snobby, materialistic gals who only

                                              enjoy talking to gay men find a rich

                                              guy who’s willing to spend all day

                                             listening to us bitch while buying us

                                              the latest Manolo Blahniks?

                                              Why does everything

                                              have to be so hard in this

                                              godawful town?

                                                                SAMANTHA

                                               Because it’s Boca Raton.

                                               The men are all dead.

                                               

                                                               MIRANDA

                                               OK by me. I’m into chicks.

    CHARLOTTE

    No! (Giggles)

    MIRANDA

    What? You didn’t guess?

                                                  
                                                                 

    CARRIE

    Charlotte hasn’t heard Rosie

    O’Donnell is gay.

                                                              

    CHARLOTTE

    I mean, how does that work?

    Do you have to,

    like, wear pants all the time?

    And Doc Martens

    and tool belts?

                                                               

    SAMANTHA

     Oh, yum. The working

    man look! So hot!

                                                                 

    CARRIE

    Um, Samantha?

                                                                
    SAMANTHA

    (Eyes closed, licking her lips)

    Whaaat?

                                                               

    CARRIE

    Sweetie, you know you shouldn’t drool

    on your wheelchair. It makes the parts rust.

                                                                
    CHARLOTTE

    I could never be a lesbian. I want a nice

    white wedding where I feel like a princess!

    With lace and crystal and calla lillies and…

                                                                 

    MIRANDA

    Haven’t you had about four of those already?

                                                   

    SAMANTHA

    Muhhh ruhhh muhh muhhh….

                                                                
    CARRIE

    Samantha, you know we can’t understand

    you when you take your teeth out.

                                                               

    MIRANDA

    Waiter! Four more of these prune

    juice Cosmos!

     

    CHARLOTTE

    But….(giggles) it’s so early!

                                                                   
    CARRIE

    What are you talking about?

    It’s dinner time! 3 pm!

                                                   
    CHARLOTTE

    Listen, you don’t think we’re turning into

    (whispers) Old Maids, do you?

                                                                      

    CARRIE 

    Shut up and hand me my

    needlepoint sampler.

     

    SAMANTHA

    Oh, please.  Look what’s happened

    to you bitches. Miranda, put down that

    circle-a-word puzzle book. Charlotte,

    I swear to God, this is the last time I

    ever want to see you in public wearing a

    muu-muu with your hair in curlers.

    At least ONE of us has a date tonight.

                                                    
    CARRIE

    Spill it, slut.

                                                   
     SAMANTHA

    His name is Jack.

                                                     
     CHARLOTTE

    Perfect! One of my sixteen cats is

    named Jack! He’s a calico. Sometimes

    I call him Mr. Whiskers.

                                                    
    MIRANDA

    So what does he do, what’s his

    net worth?

                                                                
    SAMANTHA

     He’s a doctor. Private practice. VERY well off,

     if you know what I mean.

                                                  
     CARRIE

    Mmmm, a doctor. So sexy. 

    And great to have around the

    next time I bust a hip!

                                                  
        SAMANTHA

    Also, just entre nous….he’s kind

    of a bad boy. In fact, can I pass

    on a tiny little secret? He just

    got out of prison!

    CARRIE, MIRANDA and CHARLOTTE look at each other nervously.

                                                                  CARRIE

    Not Dr. Jack Kevorkian?

    SAMANTHA

    Oh…so….did, you, like, date him too?

    This could be awkward.

                                                                                                 

    Topics: Comedy, Movies, TV | 2 Comments »

    2 Responses to “Finally: the “Sex and the City” Movie!”

    1. Sets, Sects and Secs (of State) and the City: Is Anyone Not in New York? | KyleSmithOnline.com Says:
      September 25th, 2007 at 7:33 pm

      […] Yesterday was celebrity overload in New York; we looked out the window of our midtown headquarters and saw two sharpshooters with assault rifles and scopes who looked like they had just stepped away from “The Bourne Ultimatum.” Turned out they were there to protect Condoleezza Rice, who was appearing on Fox News, I guess. Meanwhile, the Persian Prat Ahmadinejad was up at Columbia, and you couldn’t swing an Hermes bag in midtown without hitting the cast of “Sex and the City: the Movie.” When I walked by around 6 pm last night they (Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon–who is about a foot taller than Parker–and Kristin Davis, but not Kim Cattrall) were setting up a walking-and-talking shot outside the auction house Christie’s at 20 Rockefeller Plaza. “Sex and the City” junkies note: if you hang out around 6th Avenue in the high 40s tomorrow, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were there again since they seemed to be doing a lot of shots. Which all reminds me of the advance pages from the script of “Sex and the City: The Movie,” which were leaked to me exclusively over the summer.  […]

    2. “Sex and the City” Movie: the Hype Begins | KyleSmithOnline.com Says:
      January 29th, 2008 at 1:23 pm

      […] seasons were hilarious–I am now officially as sick of it as I am of the Clintons. Last year I exclusively posted several pages of the tightly-guarded […]

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